Sandwiched Club

Daddy was always the stern, “macho” figure of our family—strong, fierce, and unafraid to speak his mind. He thrived on being tough, sometimes even controversial. Whether calling people out for being overweight (even relatives), engaging in heated political debates, or getting angry when other drivers overtook him, he embraced conflict without hesitation. He was a tough cookie, and we didn’t expect him to change with age. That’s why, when he was diagnosed with dementia, we didn’t take it as seriously as we should have.

When Daddy was diagnosed, about a year or two before COVID hit, it seemed like no big deal. He was still his commanding self: directing the family, striking up conversations with strangers about the past, and giving his opinions freely, even when unasked. He spent time playing with my kids, going to church with my mum, and playing Solitaire on his phone—sometimes falling asleep mid-game on the MRT. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

At that time, I was a young parent with a baby and a toddler. Between work and raising children, I didn’t give much thought to the diagnosis. My mum, strong and confident, reassured me that she could handle it, encouraging me to focus on my kids instead. It felt like life would just go on as usual.

The Warning Signs We Ignored

Months after the dementia diagnosis, we began to notice changes, but we dismissed them. One incident stands out: Mum started to worry about managing Dad’s bank accounts. She suggested switching his single-name accounts to joint ones for security and ease. We made the trip to the DBS branch, and when the teller asked for Dad’s authorization to move the funds, he responded with something along the lines of, “I must have the final say on how the funds are used.” The teller took it as a refusal, and nothing changed. Mum was frustrated by the wasted effort, but I shrugged it off, assuming Dad was just being stubborn.

In hindsight, it’s clear that his response was likely due to early cognitive decline. He was already struggling to process complex information, but we didn’t recognize it for what it was. We saw it as just another instance of his strong personality.

What We Should Have Done

Looking back, there are three key steps we should have taken immediately after his diagnosis:

1. Educating Ourselves: I should have researched dementia thoroughly to understand what lay ahead. Knowledge is power, and understanding the progression of the disease would have prepared us for the challenges to come.
2. Joining Support Groups: We should have joined dementia support groups together as a family. These groups offer invaluable advice from others who have walked the same path and can help you prepare emotionally, mentally, and practically.
3. Planning Ahead: We needed to get legal and financial processes in place early on—setting up joint accounts, drafting power of attorney, and ensuring that important decisions were made while Dad was still capable. This would have spared us unnecessary stress later on.

Had we taken these steps early, we could have better supported my dad’s journey through dementia and ensured smoother transitions in caregiving. It would have given us more control and peace of mind as his condition progressed.

Dementia doesn’t just affect memory—it impacts every aspect of a person’s life and the lives of those around them. Recognizing the signs early, educating yourself, and preparing for the future can make an enormous difference in the quality of care and the well-being of the entire family.