Sandwiched Club

We’ve been running our household system with Master Focaccia for some time now, and like a coffee machine that’s been overworked, it’s time for a reset. The past few months, we’ve hit a wall with his motivation. Homework, housework, even brushing his teeth – every task has felt like pulling teeth without anesthetic.

The reward chart we once relied on? It started with promise, but interest waned as he lagged far behind Ms Carbonara (his younger sister). Our guess is that his love for instant gratification meant claiming small privileges was fine, but aiming for the bigger presents was too far a stretch. Slowly, we started noticing something more troubling: lies.

“Papa, no homework today.”
“Mummy, I brushed my teeth already.”
Or my personal favourite: the bathroom dry area flooded with soap bubbles, and he insisted he only used “a teeny tiny bit.” Turns out he was experimenting with spraying soap into the pipes, like some secret scientist testing water flow.

It wasn’t malicious. He wasn’t plotting to outsmart us. But he had learnt to use lies like band-aids – quick fixes to placate our expectations and buy himself breathing space.

When Ritalin Became Our “New Normal”

Looking back, I realise I fell into a trap. After Mr Focaccia started medication (Ritalin), I grew used to that calmer, more focused version of him as the new default. I built a system around it: detailed reward charts, parent-supervised homework, reminders upon reminders.

And yes, it “worked.” He churned out the academic results that our Singapore system craves. But here’s the catch – it only worked if either Mdm Bacon or I was hovering nearby. Without us, everything stalled. That’s not sustainable, not for him and not for us.

Children with ADHD often struggle with “executive function” – things like planning, organising, and self-starting. It’s not laziness, though it can look like it. His brain is wired differently. The usual motivators, like long-term rewards or adult expectations, don’t always trigger action the way we think they should. Immediate interest and ownership matter far more.

A System Reset

So, we’re pressing reset. This time, the driver’s seat belongs to him.

That doesn’t mean homework disappears. We’re not tearing up house rules. But instead of us being the engine, our goal is to help him find his own spark – what motivates him enough to act, not just because Papa said so, but because he sees value in it.

We’re experimenting:

Writing as reflection and accountability – The school diary is still required, but framed as his responsibility. If he “forgets,” the natural consequence is facing his teacher. If he lies, Mdm Bacon introduced an exercise to reflect and write it down. He also has a “declutter” book, where he writes all the things in his mind before starting on homework. This helps him remove some of the distracting thoughts.

Owning up to his actions – We’re reducing the interrogations and our reactions. By giving him space and strengthening trust, he sees there’s no need to lie when the truth is always welcomed.

Changing our spark – Too often our “ignition” has been impatience and anger. Feeding him those emotions doesn’t help. On reflection, we will approach with more calm – he needs a more positive spark to get going.

Reducing Household Anxiety

Frankly, we’re tired. Between juggling our work, Ms Carbonara, and caring for our ageing parents, our bandwidth is thinner than the last bit of butter spread on toast. Constant probing – “Did you brush? Did you do homework? Did you wash?” – often starts gently but quickly escalates into an interrogation. It creates friction within the family too. Mdm Bacon and I have spent way too much of our “we-time” talking about Master Focaccia.

And anxiety spreads. His stress bounces into ours, ours bounces back into him, and before you know it, no one wants to hang out in the living room. No one speaks the truth in their first response.

Resetting the system isn’t just about him. It’s about protecting the atmosphere at home. We need him to start taking charge of his own actions, even if it means bumpy starts, so that our home can breathe a little easier.

What We’ve Learnt (So Far)

We’re only at the start of this reset, but a few insights are already clear:

ADHD isn’t about willpower. Motivation works differently, and systems must be flexible enough to engage curiosity and interest.

Lies are often a shield. For him, they weren’t rebellion but avoidance – trying to remove tasks he found uninteresting. Understanding that helps us respond with guidance, not just punishment.

Ownership beats hovering. The more he sees tasks as his responsibility, the more sustainable this becomes.

Closing the Loop

Maybe this reset will work, maybe it won’t. Parenting ADHD is like eating a flaky pastry – you’re bound to get messy, unpredictable, but with flavours that surprise you. We’re relearning that success isn’t just in test scores, but in building resilience, responsibility, and honesty.

So here we are. Hitting reset. Hoping with each reboot, our family runs smoother. And reminding ourselves, one bubble-filled bathroom at a time, that progress doesn’t come in a straight line.